Series One · 24 cards · 0 real people

Collectible tyrants who never existed.

Every one of them is pompous, paranoid and covered in medals they awarded themselves. None of them are real. All of them are, somehow, familiar. Open a free booster pack and start your collection.

Open a free pack Enroll in the Academy

A gaudy pink-and-gold palace made entirely of balconies, each holding a tiny pompous figure in an enormous feathered hat, with giant statues of hatted heads, fireworks and a red carpet winding over the hills.

Open a booster pack

Three cards per pack. Free, unlimited, and stored only in this browser. Rarer despots have more medals and less sense. Look out for the holo.

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Collected 0 of 24 · Packs opened: 0

Should we print the real deck?

We're thinking of printing Fake Despots as an actual card game: 54 cards, a quick game where everyone tries to award themselves the most medals before the palace collapses. Two to six players, twenty minutes, endless gloating. Which would you buy? Nothing is charged; this tells us what to make.

The Despot Academy

Est. whenever the founder says. Tuition: one small country, or three medium-sized grudges. Course catalog for the coming term:

BAL 101

Introduction to Balcony Waving

The wrist, the elbow, the faraway gaze. Lab section requires a balcony (not provided).

MED 210

Advanced Self-Awarding

Students design, commission and present a medal to themselves. Grading is by the student.

STA 230

Statue Commissioning

Scale, plinths, and how to stand so the pigeons know who's in charge.

NAM 305

Naming Things After Yourself

Streets, airports, months, a minor vegetable. Capstone: rename the course.

PAR 320

Parade Logistics

Why every parade must pass your window twice. Includes a field trip, which is a parade.

HAT 400

Hat Theory (Seminar)

Taller is better. Discuss. Prerequisite: a hat. Corequisite: a larger hat.

The Academy does not offer courses in competence. A proposal to add one was found to be treasonous, then approved, then lost. The paperwork is with the Department of Approvals.

Classified dossier

Secrets uncovered: 0 of 0

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